


"Have Courage Dear Heart"

by NarniaAtHogwarts



Category: Chronicles of Narnia (Movies), Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Love, Sibling Rivalry, father-son bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 11:41:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14617692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NarniaAtHogwarts/pseuds/NarniaAtHogwarts
Summary: Post LWWFamily changes over time, they break, they create, they bond and add.Sometimes it's the little changes that can be seen. Sometimes it's the bigger changes that take the most time to heal.And sometimes things never heal properly."No winter lasts forever"But scars and memories do.I hate Christmas. I hate sweets. I hate what I was.But mostly, I hate you, dad.





	"Have Courage Dear Heart"

**Author's Note:**

> All rights belong to CS Lewis

Family changes over time, they break, they create, they bond and add. 

Sometimes it's the little changes that can be seen. Sometimes it's the bigger changes that take the most time to heal. 

And sometimes things never heal properly. 

"No winter lasts forever" 

But scars and memories do.

I hate Christmas. I hate sweets. I hate what I was. 

But mostly, I hate you, dad. 

You want to know why? Because your the reason my brother changed, your the reason why Susan and Lucy can't bare to be in the same room for fear he will get angry. Your the reason why Peter became so angry. Because he wasn't, when we first came back, yes it was hard. But we all kept it together for each other, we coped by reminiscing. And then you came back. And it changed. You tried to be the leader, you pushed Peter from his role, you made him angry. And now, now I'm angry. I hate you. 

"Edmund dinner!" 

Standing I snapped my journal shut and shoved it under my pillow where I always kept my dagger, just in case. Nobody except Lucy knows I have that dagger, I brought her one too. It was good to know I hadn't lost the ability to win an argument along with my height, build and happiness. 

I walked down the stairs silently and into the dining room. Dad was sat at the head of the table. Disgust boiled up. Peter should be sat there, not him, Peter deserves that honour. Mum was sat on dads right, Peter on his left, and the girls beside them. Leaving the last space at the other end, in Narnia that would be where a guest sat. Thanks dad, now I'm a guest in this hovel I'm meant to call home. 

Dinner was almost silent, barr the sounds of chewing and forks scraping. 

"So how was your day Peter? Susan? Lucy?" 

Oh fine thanks for asking, I so very much enjoyed getting beaten up by my old 'gang' and you can hardly imagine how much joy I felt in being compared to my siblings over and over. 

It's clear nobody else see's the new side of Peter. 

Good. 

It's all dads fault if anyone does, he's ruining Peter. 

"Edmund do you ever listen!" 

Dad snapped. I refrained from rolling my eyes. 

"Of course I do, I just found your conversation uninteresting" 

My voice came out calm, soft, my face leaving no expression and my body language revealing nothing of my feelings. Just like in court. 

Susan shot me a disapproving look, whilst Peter smirked slightly. Mum frowned. Dad frowned. Lucy giggled.  
We shared a smile, both knowing what the other was thinking, our minds wandering to that day in the forest. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

We ride through the forest, Phillip and I, Lucy and her horse Sequin. Neither of us wore our crowns, and kept our clothing simple, no lavishment. 

Susan was busy at the beavers, doing Aslan knows what, and Peter was training with General Oreius. We rode against the wind, Lucy's hair fling behind as she laughed happily. 

We stopped for a drink, a little after midday. 

Just as we were beginning our journey home again. A group of Calormen men appeared on foot. Looking suspiciously like part of an army. Seemingly the leader, the tallest man steps forward, hair partly shaved on one side, his blue eyes held a taunting glare and one hand stayed glued to the sword sheated at his side. 

"Hello good sirs, you are from Calormen, are you not?" 

Lucy began politely as they appeared beside us. "Yes" a large man, with a wiry beard and piggy eyes grunted, his eyes falling on our money pouches and weapons. They glittered greedily.

"And what brings you into Narnia on this fine morning?" 

Lucy continued, talk kept formal between her and leader. I watched silently, my eyes drifting to his men and then out into the lake that sparkled in the sunlight.  
"I see your fellow companion has no manners, boy!"  
The leader addressed me coldly, face twisting in disgust as my eyes bore into his. 

"I have perfect manners thank you, I simply disapprove of the way your men are brashly eyeing my money, it take not Aslan to figure what you have come here for. And if it's any constellation; I had no desire to listen for I found your conversation uninteresting." 

My voice cut like ice into silence. Lucy smiled at me proudly, it was not often I spoke to strangers without hearing their names or intentions first. And of course, I listen, stick to the shadows. But sometimes, if someone hits me right, my voice and wit can make a fell creature walk away with their head bowed low in submission.

His men took half a step back in surprise whilst he sneered at me. 

"Anyhow I request an audience with the Kings and Queens of Narnia, I suggest you take me to them before things get messy." 

His threat was accompanied by swords being pulled out. 

I raised an eyebrow. "You won't be getting an audience with th today" 

The man growled low and attacked. 

Within minutes they were on the ground, each with various wounds. 

"Your Majesty!" 

A group of centaurs rode over, wide eyed. 

"Please cousins take these men to a healer, let them be treated before bringing them to me."

Three hours later I addressed them in court, with my siblings by my side. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Lucy squeezed my hand under the table. 

"Edmund no need to be so rude. Apologise to your father now" 

Mum ordered. A tense silence settled over the room as I kept my mouth shut. I locked eyes with Peter, they twinkled with laughter for the first time in ages. 

"I see what your mother meant in her letters, you really are acting like a brat" 

Peter glared, Susan turned her disapproval to dad, Lucy gasped. 

"And now I see why nobody ever goes against your wishes, your a git who thinks he's an all important because he shot someone" 

I snarled, watching his face turn red. Dad slammed his hand down on the table top, chair scraping as he stood, looking angrier than I'd ever seen him. 

"YOU NEED TO LEARN SOME RESPECT!" 

He roared, face now turning purple. 

I stood too, face as impassive as ever, eyes hardening over and hands clenching at my sides. I don't need to raise my voice for effect. 

"Maybe you should earn it"

He jerked back surprised. Peter stood.

"Ed that's enough" his voice held authority, respect and pride. 

But that wasn't enough, I had to say it. 

"You can't earn it though, you will never have my respect, you will never be a good father because you CHOSE to kill thousands of innocent people! I don't give a damm about whose side they were on! Your only alive today because of luck." 

"You will NEVER have my respect.  
I HATE YOU!" 

I don't know when I lost it. I doing know when Peter grabbed me from behind, hugging me to his chest, or when mum started crying. I don't know when Susan pulled mum and Lucy from the room or when I screamed, I just know I did. I screamed for Peter, for him to come back, I screamed at Aslan, for sending us back, I screamed at dad, for breaking us apart. And mostly, I screamed to let go of my pain, letting my throat become raw and eyes dry, no tears left to cry. 

I just remember looking dad in they eyes, the shock and hurt in his eyes, the loneliness and pain all mixed up. It reminded me of me. Reminded me that I hate myself just as much. 

It reminded me of the conversation Lucy and I had two days prior; 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

My jaw throbbed and chest groaned. The bullies had caught up once more.  
Lucy pulled me into her room and began to apply and a bruisse balm to my face.  
I could hear Peter and Susan arguing next door. 

Who was it this time?" She murmured, eyes sad. "Jonathan Blake and his gang" I sighed rubbing his tired eyes. Lucy paused. "The gang you were 'part of' before Narnia?" We locked eyes and I sighed again. 

"Yeah." 

More like used as a punching bag when I failed to bully another kid. I shivered, what had I become? Just to stop them dealing a little pain that I should of been able to handle and deserved. Damm. I was so horrible, and then The witch came along, I can't trust myself. I betrayed them....

 

Yells erupted from the next room. 

"We forgave you. Remember" Lucy reached up a caressed my cheek seemingly know where my thoughts were headed.  
I stood pulling my shirt back on. 

"You may have..." I trailed off and turned away towards the door. She caught my forearm. "Aslan forgave you" I turned to her, biting my lip. 

"Lu can I ask you something?" She seemed surprised but nodded, pulling us back down on her bed. 

"D-do you blame anyone for Peter's.....anger?" 

She stared me dead in the eye, the all-knowing look on her face. 

"Who is their to blame? Who would I be right in blaming? Peter? He maybe in control of his emotions but I can not fault him for being angry, even I am. Susan? She plays no more a part in Pete's anger that mum, you or myself. Dearest brother it is not someone to blame, it's a reason to blame that you are looking for. Brother mine it is not fault but natural." 

She finished quietly. I ran a hand through my hair.

"Ed, never give up hope. Promise me you will never stop being The Just King?" 

She asked suddenly. I looked deep into her eyes and spoke again with as much sincerity as I could muster. "I promise Sister mine". She smiled at me.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I let out a chocked gasp. I broke my promise. I wasn't being fair, I was being Edmund, not the Just Kingthey needed me to be. 

I pulled away from Peter, wiping furiously at my eyes. "Eddy?" He whispered watching me cautiously, worriedly. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I croaked, eyes on my father who sat in his chair frozen, face white, expression on horror. 

I ran. 

Out the room and up the stairs. Peter's heavy footsteps moments behind me. I reached her room a burst in dropping to my knees in front of my younger sister. 

"Sister mine, please set my heart at ease, and forgive my sins. I broke the promise I pledged to you and beg for forgiveness and take punishment without a protest. I hurt you so perilously and I must be condoned for my crimes but please sister mine, do hear my cries of forgiveness" 

I finished, on one knee, head bowed. 

"Oh Ed! Of course I forgive you! You did t break your promise brother" 

Lucy soothed crouching in front of me and pulling me into her. 

"I let my own personal judgement get in the way of fair and just deductions." 

Behind me Peter let out a choked laugh. 

"No Eddy. I'M sorry. I have been the worst brother these past few months, Aslan would be disappointed. So I ask YOU for forgiveness, brother so loyal, please forgive my sins" 

My head snapped towards Peter with wide eyes. "No no no you shouldn't be sorry, it's only right to feel angry" I exclaimed, Lucy's hands entwined with mine, his arms looping around me from behind, covering me in the familiar feeling of warmth and safety. "But I shouldn't have taken it out on you and the world." Pete whispered in my ear. I had already forgiven him. I forgave him after the first fight he got into, two days after dad came back. 

The next few days were awkward.  
I avoided everyone. But my siblings always found me. 

Of course I apologised to father. But as I spoke in my prayers to Aslan. As much as I meant I was sorry, which I am,

I still hate him. 

But maybe, just maybe, I can live with that. And maybe, overtime, I will learn to love him again. 

Few people have my respect. Peter does, Aslan does, the girls do, General Oreius does, and some few more. 

I'm sorry dad. I can never respect you. 

I'm sorry.


End file.
